She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
