You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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