ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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