Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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