onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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