you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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