even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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