I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
