Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
