I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
