I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
