I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
