last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
