Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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