I think I am morally bankrupt
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
