I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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