I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
