Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
