Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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