im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
