If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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