I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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