I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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