You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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