Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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