you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
