she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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