Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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