Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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