Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
