stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
