Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
