Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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