I can feel you judging me through the phone.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
