come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
