Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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