Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
