What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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