never play flip cup with pint glasses
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
