Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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