my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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