Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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