He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
