dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
