just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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