so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
