It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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