Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
