Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
