Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
