I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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