Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
